In the beginning, the world was divided into the freezer and the oven. Countries in the freezer were mostly developed ones like the United States, the United Kingdom and other European countries while the oven comprised mainly of African countries and of course our beloved country Nigeria. In the freezer, most of the people are mostly passive, easy going almost to the point of being labelled ‘Mumu’ while in the oven, the inhabitants are overly aggressive, confrontational and the colour of their eyeballs are always red. In short, citizens of the oven are as paranoid as a Nigerian radio soccer commentator during a match. In the freezer, there is a culture of repairing and rehabilitation while the hobbies of the ‘ovenians’ are to destroy and lack maintenance culture. In the freezer, there is a high sense of transparency but in the oven, we have all been baked in corruption and the fine art of deception. In the UK, a minister can be held to just stealing a pound but in Nigeria, it would be a sin that could lead to being ostracized by your family members if you are in a position of authority and don’t embezzle. An attestation is the fact of how internet fraud a.k.a Yahoo-Yahoo is now our major export after petroleum and the major victims all come from the freezer hemisphere
I labelled the UK as part of the freezer because of the cold environment. It is so cold here that if you hold a hot bottle of Guinness and walk down the street, it would be cold before you get to the end of the road. I now understand the reason why Arsenal manager, Arsene Wenger shivers during matches. At first I thought it was as a result of the match tension but now I know better.
The weather here is also conditioned in such as way that even the most facially offensive person would actually start looking good after some months, to the extent that he would start comparing himself to a Denzel Washington. Well, with someone like me who was already pleasing to the eye before leaving Nigeria, the weather here has only reinforced my aesthetic value. Needless to say, I am a head-turner; Miss Nizzle is one lucky gal. I labelled the inhabitants of the UK as passive because everyone waits their turn over here. Everyone is a perfect gentleman. In Nigeria, if you decide to be a gentleman, you would be labelled as slow and what I popularly call a ‘John’.
The aggressive and greedy nature of humans even seems to have transcended into the behavioural structure of our animals and insects. You cannot afford to leave your food on the table without the mischievous rodent a.k.a rats coming to feast on your delicacy. I remember an epic battle I had in Nigeria; it was a titanic struggle between man, insect and rodent. On this particular day, I had been famished, as in I had not eaten all day. I finally managed to score myself some rice and chicken and settled down to do it justice. Before I knew it, a battalion of ravenous ants and a gang of cockroaches marched with vengeance towards my meal with determination in their eyes. I was still swiping at them when some adolescent rats joined in the fray, aiming for my chicken. To tell you the truth I was scared and confused that day. I was very confused as to what to battle first as they all attacked my meal simultaneously; the situation was as confusing as someone telling to make a decision about which one you want between Jay-Z’s wealth and wife. The scary part was because of the new-found courage of the animals, the depth of desperation. That incident made up my mind to leave Nigeria before these animals plotted against my life.
Due to the fact that I was born and raised in the oven hemisphere, a lot of ‘ovenian’ deceptive characteristics have followed me here to the UK. Prominent among that characteristic is that of flashing. Flashing, a notorious phone habit (one used in cutting call tariffs) in Nigeria is now even a form of communication. You could use flashing to tell someone you are waiting outside, I have used it often to tell Miss Nizzle I love her, you could use it to find your misplaced phone, say good night e.t.c but over here it is non-existent. However, it has served me and still serving me well in the UK to cost enormous calling costs. Anytime I want to talk to my European classmates, I rarely use my credit. Once I flash, they would call back within seconds and I would give them the excuse of trying to call them...blah...blah...blah. Till date I have not been found out. Trying to push my luck, I put the same practice into use by flashing a Nigerian based over here. As I write this piece, he is yet to call back.
The freezer and oven have other differences. In the freezer we have butterflies while in the oven we are blessed with beautiful, sexy mosquitoes. In the freezer, romance rules eternal. All you have to do here is gaze into a girl’s eyes, hold her hands and tell her you love her. It doesn’t matter how much you have, your social class, all that matters is your declaration of love which you obviously uttered to fast track your green card application. Unfortunately, in the oven, if you tell a girl you love her, you had better be prepared to show her your account balance, the keys to your car and flat at Ajah to stand a good chance with her. Ah! Before I forget, load her phone with credit regularly too.
As I entered the train heading to London Waterloo, the freezer and oven theory played in my mind. I was past worrying though, all I had on my mind was the Amala that had been promised me in the English capital...
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