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Memoirs Season 2 Premiere+News Round-up

Welcome to season 2. Good to be back after been out for a while. I kinda feel like an injured player returning to the pitch. A lot of things have happened since we last related, a whole lot; I finally got over my white powder cravings and when I say white powder, I don’t mean cocaine but the white flourish powder that metamorphoses into the black Amala. After consuming a whole lot that was good for me, my toilet suffered the backlash which wasn’t pretty I must say.

Also on December 25^th, while most of us had that murderous gleam in our eyes to slaughter our unfortunate poultry birds to consume, one of our compatriots wasn’t satisfied with just killing chickens but humans. The stupid Abdulmuttalab (incidentally his name now means stupid, so does that mean I am saying stupid twice?) tried to blow up a plane and scorched his testicles in the process. He wanted to be a hero, a martyr when he got to paradise so that he could bed seven virgins. With all the money this guy’s family had, he could order seven Venezuelan virgins if he so wanted on earth! It beats me why some people could be so ‘Abdulmuttalabish’. Well, even if he goes now to his ‘paradise’, his testicles are all burnt up anyway.

During this period, I was so happy we weren’t in session when this happened. I could imagine walking into class and all my classmates running for the nearest exit as fast as their legs could carry them. Come to think about it, I fit the bill; I am young, I school abroad and I am Nigerian. However, the only thing that disqualifies me is that I am much better looking, I love life too much and I don’t need seven virgins-I have Miss Nizzle.

The boy has now made it harder for all his compatriots too travel and one of the best jobs now is to work at the airport where you can frisk all the beautiful ladies you ever wanted. As far as you have your uniform on, you can cup feels as much as your depraved mind needs. The picture below shows the 'Abdulmuttalabness' of situations in airports all over the world.

 

Well, while Muttalab was scorching his privates, I was with my family at London eating chicken like they were going to get extinct on Boxing Day. I personally consumed more than an entire Nigerian family would in just an evening. It was nice finally being with family and friends, sharing their warmth because just outside, it was the worst winter Britain had ever faced in like 35 years. I wondered why it was when I decided to travel down that all these were happening. Anyway I saw the funny side of things; seeing people fall over on the slippery roads and sliding even better than the late Michael Jackson could.

After the whole festive period, loneliness hit me big-time. It was then I knew the true feeling of homesickness. Worse, the snow was so bad that I was cooped inside for like a week without stepping outside. I felt so helpless; it was like how you feel when you know you can’t rub cream in certain spots at your back. I yearned to go home so badly. It was a very ironic situation though, I was in a position where boys would sell their father’s property, steal their mother’s jewellery and sell the most expensive lacy underwear of their sister to be where I was. But still, I wanted to go back home, to Nigeria, to my mum, my family, to Miss Nizzle.

It was then I started hatching my plans...

                     Memoirs News Roundup

A close friend of mine appealed for more romance in the Memoir episodes and none came more in the form of this story on Daily Mail about two lovers reuniting and marrying because of Facebook. The couple enjoyed an 18-month relationship 27 years earlier and had to break up because the lady thought she was too young to settle down. When I read these, I marvelled. Just as, Facebook has managed to reunite people, it has destroyed million more relationships because of infidelity issues. You can read more on this story on the Daily Mail.

Talking about infidelity, the Chief Infidelity Officer, Tiger Woods finally showed up to the world last Friday in a 13 minute press conference apologising for his serial cheating offences. I must confess that I hold his wife in awe for standing by her animal-named husband despite his dalliances. Below is apolegetic Woods and his hot, hot mistresses. Doesn't he look pitiful?

Another sportsman, Chelsea football star John Terry has also been in the news for sleeping with his team-mates girlfriend. Makes me wonder if all sportsmen are all adulterous? Maybe Taiye Taiwo is next...but then who would care anyway. In observation, i really think there is a Tiger Woods in us men ready to pounce out if not properly reined but then it is just an observation.

Rounding off the news is yet another infidelity story. Three Malaysian women were caned last week for infidelity issued by a Sharia Court. The three women aged between 17-25 years turned themselves in for punishment after feeling guilty for sleeping with their boyfriends before marriage and getting pregnant.

Imagine this scenario in Lagos! I am sure whoever is caning would be so exhausted because there is per second of pregnancies amongst unmarried couples far outweighs the caners and even the canes available.

On this ‘infiditeletic’ note, I sign out. Till next week.